God, why have you left me?

There are so many moments in my life that I wish I could just forget.
Those moments have haunted me for years.
All those mistakes I've made in the past, all those feelings of guilt, loneliness, despair, I want all of them to just disappear altogether.

But I do realise that all those disgrace are the ones that make me who I am now.
One experiences truth by learning from others, or learning from their own mistakes.

Sometimes I also wish that not just my feelings and memories, I want me myself to begone, disappear. At many points in my life, I've experienced this total disconnection with the world around me.
Nobody understands me, nor I am able to understand them.
Nobody wants me, but I need them.
Everybody expect things from me, but I can't expect anything from them in return.

For this, many times I told myself that the God, whichever type of God it is, had forsaken me.

Me, drowning in despair and heart-wrenching solitude of soul, falls into complete distrust of others.
I seek recognition in many ways possible.
I seek solace in the rotten papers of the ancient wisdom, the erratic knowledge of humanity.
Still and in perpetual existence, these bodies of knowledge seek no attention. It doesn't lie, but it doesn't comfort either- for it is like me during those lonely moments. We are but a mere recollection of persona, conflicting each other but we are but a soul, just a soulless soul, if anything.

Then, many a time I fall into sins in my very own consciousness.
This God dictates , for He is supposedly our Master.
Lo! They said that I am nothing but a slave! A servant, merely.Deserve me not gratitude, authority, power.
But there I was!
I committed sin while fully believing that there is God who sees me at those moments.
Yes God I am a traitor!
I know you're there, all powerful and watching,  but I want to rebel against you!
You who only know how to dictate - a deity with never-ending lust for obedience- as I call You- I want to prove that although it is stupid of me disobeying you the mighty Lord, I want You to see that I seek Your attention! I want You to pay for all these misery that you caused out of your own amusement!

But, isn't it just foolish?
I'm not talking about being foolish disobeying a mighty Lord.
It's foolish isn't it, blaming your own existential despair upon others.
We ourselves give meaning into our own existence.
To blame the meaningless void in our life to another being, supreme or mortal, will just create another size of falsely conceived meaningful void that will just cancel each other out.
What is left then are absolute nothing. Not just a meaningless meaning, but nothing in meaning.
A complete evaporation of presence. The most terrifying outcome of an existence.

This is a philosophical question make complicated, isn't it?
Some people will just laugh it off and say , " just read the damn thing , whatcha call it, your (insert any holy scriptures here)".
Laugh all you want.
A lonely person won't feel any more lonely by this act by others.
They are there, and will always be there. In many ways they are there, in their meaningless presence.

Surely humans have gone a long way.
We may finally come to the truth, God-willing .
I, for one, am desperately in need of that.
As funny as it sounds, for theologically speaking I am already in possession of this supposed truth, I need that to prove of my continuity of existence, a meaningful existence.

Nevertheless, during rains and thunder, in the freezing colds of winter, when facing the deep raging sea or as I watch up the sky and see the vast heavens gloriously shine in the pitch black night, I still sometimes utter to myself,

" Eli, eli, lama sabachtani?" ( Psalms: 22)

" God, God, why hast thou forsaken me?"
 

All Religions Offer Spiritual Fulfilment

I always believe that all religions can offer spiritual fulfilment.

I will not deny the spiritual fulfilment human, regardless of their faiths achieve by being obedient and pious in performing their duties as members of any particular religion.

Love exists in all religions. Peace exists in all religions. Faith exists in all religions.

In fact, I also wouldn't deny the idea that non-religious people may also attain spiritual fulfilment. Some of human have a deep spiritual connection to nature, to the idea of respecting ancestors, to the notion of spiritual ascension of matter and soul.

Who am I to judge St Mother Theresa the Blessed of the Christian creed, the monks of the monastery secluding themselves in spiritual thought,  the yogis of Hinduism, the followers of true philosophical views of Maimonides, the poets who immerse themselves in nature, or the dervishes who the soul is nothing but a recollection of love's inner essence?

On the other hand, it is in my faith as a Muslim to differ in matters of spiritual salvation. As a Muslim, I fully believe that salvation is only at the hands of my God, whom his primary name is Allah, along with other numerous names, through the revelation given by Him to the prophet Muhammad of Arabian desert.

It is what I believe in. This is what I believe is true and will ever be.

Nevertheless, I wouldn't ridicule anyone who believe that they can only achieve salvation through the sacrifice of Jesus of Nazareth, by living according to Buddha's Four Noble Truths and Eightfold Path, by realising the grace of Mother Nature and Father Sky, by obeying 613 mitzvots of  halakha, and many other ways.

It is in my belief that spiritual fulfilment and the salvation of souls are two different matters.

open relationship tu mcm mne?

hahaha. first, you know I'm kidding right?

second, check Wikipedia. LOL.

i should warn you though, jangan terkejut. hahaha. = P

love,
Wan Khai.

Ask me anything

single..single..single..single..single..single.

haish. kau ni majod.............lol.

Ask me anything

single? =p

open relationship. huhuhuhuhu..

Ask me anything

hi wan!

hi abid~

Ask me anything

hi wan!

hi farah~~~~

how are the law treating you these days?

Ask me anything

I believe that u are from ipoh kan? where at actually? and what is the best thing in ipoh that u like?

i live in simpang pulai, which is somehow already an outskirts of ipoh.
the best thing in ipoh ..

well..
Ipoh is a sleepy yet vibrant town. I spent all my childhood life there. The traffic's not that busy, and everything basic ( entertainment, study) is available.
But I think the best parts of Ipoh is the memories I had with the town.
The friendly apek kedai basikal, to familiar faces selling laksa and ayam goreng at my pasar malam, or just that old TGV cinema at Jusco Ipoh.
And Ipoh is not that far from KL either, so 'advanced civilization' is somehow within reach.

Ask me anything

My Choice of Music

I was somehow reading about narratives when I suddenly think about the kinds of music that I like.Succumbing into temptation, I guiltlessly browsed my Ipod Touch music library and looked at the album collections I have. Study? Duh. Damn you, devil!

Absolution - Muse

Black Holes and Revelations - Muse

Origin of Symmetry - Muse

The Resistance - Muse

Showbiz - Muse

Humanoid - Tokio Hotel

Scream - Tokio Hotel

(  I don't realise that I like this kind of rock music as well)

Boys Like Girls - Boys Like Girls

Love Drunk - Boys Like Girls

The Fame Monster - Lady Gaga

Hot Mess - Cobra Starship

Ocean Eyes - Owl City

( pop music = LOVE it!!) 
  

The Spell - Alphabeat

This Is Alphabeat - Alphabeat

( these two albums by Alphabeat are the ones that I always listen when I was sad . The songs are very 'riang'.)

Fearless -Taylor Swift

Need You Now - Lady Antebellum

( country songs - I just adore Taylor Swift! I was introduced to Taylor Swift by a guy . You'll never believe who he is . LOL )

Brand New Eyes -Paramore
Can't Be Tamed - Miley Cyrus
decemberunderground - AFI
The Defamation of Strickland Bands - AFI
The E.N.D - Black Eyed Peas
Evacuate The Dancefloor - Cascada
The Experiment - Dane Rumble
 For Your Entertainment - Adam Lambert
I Am Chipmunk - Chipmunk
Inside In , Inside Out - Kooks
Jason Derulo - Jason Derulo
Kris Allen - Kris Allen
La Roux - La Roux
Lights - Ellie Goulding
My World 2.0 - Justin Bieber ( yeah yeah I know. call me paedophile whatever)
Pretty . Odd - Panic at the Disco ( I've been loving this band since I was f4! )
Rated - R - Rihanna
Raymond v Raymond - Usher
The Script - The Script
Sean Kingston- Sean Kingston
Shock Value II - Timbaland
Sound of Madness - Shinedown
All or Nothing - Jay Sean
Animal - Kesha ( this lady is a s**t who sings trash pop songs which are somehow likeable)
B.o.B present : The Adventures of Bobby Ray - B.o.B ( ridiculous album title)
Battle Studies - John Mayer
Believe - Orianthi
Streets of Gold - 3OH!3 ( the guy version of Kesha)
Teenage Dream - Katy Perry
Turn It Up - Pixie Lott
Waking Up - One Republic
We Are The World - Various Haiti
We Are Young Money - Young Money
Boys Over Flowers OST ( huhuhu the only Asian songs I have )

Thank You Allah - Maher Zain ( huhuhuhu) 

Sami Yusuf - Sami Yusuf

Mesut Kurtis - Mesut Kurtis

(spiritual songs ..haha...I rarely listen to them though...err)
Finally,

Glee : The Music Volume 1 - Glee Cast

Glee : The Music Volume 2 - Glee Cast

Glee : The Music Volume 3, Showstoppers - Glee Cast

Glee : The Music , The Power of Madonna - Glee Cast

Glee : The Music , Journey to Regionals - Glee Cast

Glee, my obsession.  Seriously, I am so obsessed with Glee now. Truly , truly obsessed. Look, I said the word "obsession" three times already. Oh no, four times.

I think I'm into Pop Music. Sometimes I can go into Rock ( Alternative Rock included) or Country ( which must be sung by the likes of Taylor Swift or Carrie Underwood only ) but I'm all pop babe!
But above all that, I'm all Gleek !

(updated : OMG, what I am doing here, wasting 30 minutes of my study time! )

Final Semester Exam.

I am not a jack of all trades. Though I really, really want to be one, I simply can't. Trying to be that would just put me into a level of mediocrity in anything. 

I love studying all kind of thing. Yes, I do. I hate mathematics but I don't feel terrible studying the numbers at all. Mathematics is a great  knowledge. I did feel the happiness and relief whenever I managed to answer one question correctly. Though I am not good at it, I know for one that I have given all my best into the exam and in the learning process. In MRSM, since I know I was dumb in Maths , I never let myself sleep during the classes, nor did I ever being shy in asking questions to the teacher.This is somewhat true in KMS as well. I personally prefer my Maths teacher teach me the theories or do some maths exercises rather than talking about some kids or any chicken soup for the soul thingy. At least I've utilized what God has given me to study ( educators' assistance) to optimum capabilities. Nevertheless, occasional distraction would be fine, I guess. The teacher is the teacher for other people as well, right?

I'm not really good at writing. I know that very well. My essays are usually long winded, off-topic, and uninteresting. So, for this uni course, I know that  ENGWRIT 101 will bring me down somehow. However, I am now trying to focus on papers that I can do quite well ( which is very different from just 'well') , like EDUC 115, and 116 papers. Both papers are hard, though.LINGUIST 103 ..I don't know. I'm just afraid of it.

I need to at least get a B in this examination. I just want to prove that the offer I got to study here under government's sponsorship is not wholly attributed to sympathy or my status as a Malay. At least a part of it has something to do with my capabilities. I have to prove, not just to others but especially to me myself that I have what it takes to use all these half a million ringgit from rakyat to study here.
I know that I might wish for something impossible, knowing the fact of my own weaknesses. Nevertheless, I pray to God that He will help me in this.

Doakan saya ya?
Thanks.
God bless us all.

Love

I love uni life. In my own ways.

I love the abundance of information available in university. I used to have those comments by peers about our college library when I was the Academic Bureau Executive in KMS. Many times they complained about the lack of books in the library, which I admit, understandable. I went to the director myself begging for more allocation funds to restore books in the library- to a sad "economy factor" response.

Oh well. Lack of reading materials is a good reason why our library was never been utilized to its optimum , and a reason why students don't like reading. Which in my personal opinion is actually somehow a stupid excuse . To use the reason of "ill-equipped library' to justify one's lack of reading is unacceptable.Nevertheless, in college,that library is just another prep room to study. They can just throw away all the books and the students will still flock that place because they want to study in an air-conditioned room.

Which is not the case in uni.

Be it Malaysia or elsewhere, like me in New Zealand, you can see that a university library is usually well-stuffed with books and materials. It's either you want to use it or not. It's up to you on how you want to treat this wealth of knowledge readily accessible to the students.

The best reason I love uni life is the autonomous/ independent learning the study operates. I love this kind of system. No more justification of our own failures except our own fault. You can skip lectures all you want. You are the one who decide whether you want to study or leisure around.There are no more sad excuses of a "lousy teacher" whom you didn't understand a thing when he/she teaches, no more " I don't have enough time to study" , " my friends didn't help me" etc. Your friends are not expected to help you anyway. It's all about being charitable , and it is not a duty of a friend to help you around.

Which I believe is perfect.

Independent learning may involve discussion groups or individual study- we can easily subscribe to what we see as working for us. This is no longer high school where we feel pathetic and sad when we have no group partners and the teacher just smiled and perhaps think " oh inilah budak loser kelas ni. haha.".

what were the best things ever happened to youu in Izzuddin..haha.. and what were the worst? Mind sharing your 2 cents?

the best things: I learnt how to live in boarding school. pretty much I survived quite well in all kinds of boarding schools I've been e after Izzuddin. I learnt that life is complex. huhu.

the worst: those sleepless nights, enduring the nuqaba' briefing to us little kids back then. I slept all the time back then.wonder why these days it is too hard to even sleep soundly once in a while.

Ask me anything

Jetstar Auckland- Singapore= Low cost value flight starts now. ( updated: next year)

Siapa- siapa nak balik tu , bolehlah usha-usha ni .

http://www.nzherald.co.nz/travel/news/article.cfm?c_id=7&objectid=10650854

Oh well.

Now I understand what she means by a music video in homage to pop icon Madonna and a tribute to the gay community, which is very supportive on her.

But ..wow. I mean. This video is so Madonna, and it features Stonewall as well! Wow.
I don't really like it, though.  But never mind.

p/s: If you don't understand this, by any means ignore this post. LOL

wan khai, how to be as excellent as you? i mean, your english is superb!

haha, this is funny.

first, my English is at best, mediocre. I'm not being humble, it IS .

In my assignments at the uni, the lecturers always commented how my grammar mistakes tend to cloud their understanding of what my essays are trying to convey- to my disappointment, of course!

I somehow think that what you mean by this 'excellence' is the vocabularies I use.They are just words. Different disciplines obviously have different set of technical vocabularies you learn along the way anyway. Being a TESOL student, who falls somewhere between the lines of Arts and Education , I think it is nothing weird anyway on knowing few technical dictions here and there. The engineers, doctors , philosophical theorists all have their own domain of knowledge. I envy all those people who happen to know hundreds of names related to the body anatomy- for example.

cheers.

Ask me anything

is it possible for someone with a dark, dirty secret repents and be someone better after failing to change for a quite number of times?

It is always possible to repent, for the grace of God is eternal, but mankind tend to repeat their own mistakes over and over.

this answer is cliché and simplistic- I know.

I want to say something different but I think I'll leave it at that.

Ask me anything

i feel bad. how am i supposed to react? haha. do u believe in men and women shouldn't be best friends? si kaki ronggeng.

I would differentiate "should" and "could" .

men and women could be best friends. but I don't think they should- to a certain degree. it's too problematic ,when by Fate, certain feelings develop.

but it doesn't mean that after you read this, you suddenly forget your female best friends.

men and women complement each other, in many ways. there are certain things that is in the world that we can only learn through the eyes of women. lol.

solution to all this: nikah lillahi taala.

LOL.

si kaki Glee.

Ask me anything

If you lost your bff, what would you do? oh u know me. aku la si kaki ronggeng kms yg sebilik dgn asif.

hahahaha.
duh.

i'll just let it go- knowing myself as a terrible friend indeed. Maybe he/she will be better off without me in his/her life.

cewah~

Ask me anything

What is the best thing that ever happened to you in KMS?

Sociology. = academic-wise

Juju and Izdihar. = social circle-wise.

wi-fi free= err...

those are the best thing(s).

lol

Ask me anything

Being Grateful.

What more do I need?

I am now living next to Auckland Hospital, where undoubtedly, everyday, somebody will die there.

Isn't it good enough to remind us of our human fate , the inevitable death?

All of us will die, but not all us actually live.

True Colours

Be proud.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5GzQ2IDzeRE

True Colours.

You with the sad eyes
don't be discouraged
oh I realize
it's hard to take courage
in a world full of people
you can lose sight of it all
and the darkness inside you
can make you fell so small

But I see your true colors
shining through
I see your true colors
and that's why I love you
so don't be afraid to let them show
your true colors
true colors are beautiful
like a rainbow

Show me a smile then
don't be unhappy, can't remember
when I last saw you laughing
if this world makes you crazy
and you've taken all you can bear
you call me up
because you know I'll be there

And I'll see your true colors
shining through
I see your true colors
and that's why I love you
so don't be afraid to let them show
your true colors
true colors are beautiful
like a rainbow

Peace

Believe me, peace won't come in exchange of 16 deaths.

Thousands have died for peace and freedom in Gaza alone.

Millions have died throughout history.

But why do we still fight for this Wings of Freedom, this Torch of Hope and the Tower of Peace?

Because we believe in humanity, and additionally for some others, we believe in God and His promise.

I believe in humanity, and I believe in God.

God is great.

What was your favorite birthday gift?

money

Ask me anything

If your house was on fire and you could only grab three things, what would they be?

money,wallet,handphone

Ask me anything