Moving on.

It's easier to move on from something when you refused to attach yourself to it. But it comes with a price : loneliness and emptiness. Lack of meaning.

Well, I am the kind of person who might sell my soul to Satan himself for my desires, should he exists, so I am not that surprised. 

Pop culture

I just love my Lady Gaga. 

iOS7

...nifty, but nothing really wow-ish about it. 

Holiday

Cikgu lagi sedih cuti sekolah habis. 

Sobs sobs sobs. 

( berkemas-kemas pulang ke MRSM Parit) 

Regret

I won't let myself to live with regrets. No, not anymore. 

Things happen. And things happen often. 

We get some, we lose some. 

Friends come and friends go. Lovers come and lovers go. Money comes and money goes. Chance arrived and vanish as fast as lightning. 

Sometimes I screw up, sometimes they screw up. More often I would be the one screwing it up. 

I'm not going to get all hung up about it. 

I don't want to live in the past, and I've thrown away lots of things to turn back anyway. Enough doctors , psychiatrists and counsellor's appointments, enough medication, enough faking up laughter or faking despair. And I've thrown away all the Gods , living and dead and sail my soul through the imperfect river of Man's Spirit. Because I settled for half. 

I'll be in someone's journeys , and they mine. And sometimes I depart theirs with no trace, and so will them. And it's good.

Because life is good. And I've come a long way at realising that life itself is a reason for living. 

And my conclusion won't sit well with many. No matter. I don't live to please people nor Gods and I know the grumbling comes from a place of concern. 

This is me at 24. I hope the 16yo me were proud. Wan Khai, you've come a long way.  

Anxiety

As a student teacher doing my practicum here in MRSM Parit for almost a month now, I'm still at what I call "the phase of anxiety". 

Whenever the kids finish reciting the doa and early verses of Surah Toha at the beginning of the lesson , there will always be a gap of few seconds because I got freaking anxious and my heart was racing. 

" WTF WTF what the hell am I doing here? "
" You. You all, stop looking at me. I don't really know what the hell I am supposed to do with you today "( despite extensive, detailed lesson plans made, notwithstanding)
" Shit shit did I made enough copies for all 30 of them? "
" Wait, where are my pens? Eh? Eh? Oh. In my pocket"
" Did I enter the right class???"
" Eh....that girl/boy doesn't look 14 at all . Jailbait all over" .
" Shit they noticed I am blanking"

Okay, please sit down.