Of Realising ...Things?

I always made known the reasons on why I want to go to University of Auckland.
Besides the high international ranking of its Faculty of Arts and Faculty of Education, I want to go to UoA because I want to participate in Islamic society.
Even I mentioned it in KMS to my teacher- to the displeasure of the teacher.

" Apa guna pergi overseas?"

True, yet, I think there are many other reasons of studying overseas.
Although expanding social circle is one of it - however,  it was never one of my intentions .
The teacher told me that I should widen my social circle so that I could expand my horizons.
I told the teacher, "my horizons are different ".
Yet, I applaud those who expand their social circle, mingling around with people, knowing them, while at the same time, stay truthful to their self identities. I too am worried that sometimes I might be a fitnah to my religion. As if my religion forbade us believers from being friendly to those different from us. That is why I am  kind of regretting my seclusive nature.

Well, what can I do, I have this compulsiveness that I feel like I am running out of time. There are less time to  experience and to experiment. I must edit the options to maybe only two and three choices.

At 21, I am rather more willing to expand my Islamic horizons. I came from a family that don't really fit into the "stereotypical" Baitul Muslim idea of a family, and it is very hard to change when you are nurtured in a certain way from when you're born. I want to change before it's too late for me to change; when change is getting harder and you almost think that it is an impossibility.  Being away from home will allow me to re-evaluate my family and my own way of life ( the latter is more important) , and muhasabah. Hopefully.

In the early age of 14-15, I already had a serious disbelief in God and religions in particular, and truthful enough, up until now, in some sense, I am still particularly a sceptic in many things I've been told in life. I can never easily subscribe to any ideas easily. I'm there, but not there.

Nowhere.

And I need to find my landing location, soon. At the age of 21, you might think you're young, but when you had a serious issues with God and with your own self, when you are dying of exhaustion of searching for truth and what you usually get are usually informations-mere data, you think that the Hour of Destiny is approaching soon and you still haven't got the answers to your questions. Total despair.

And I don't think I have the time to being too much engrossed in enjoying life to the full extent. Not with so many things uncertain and unanswered in life.

I am a freak. Really.