God, why have you left me?

There are so many moments in my life that I wish I could just forget.
Those moments have haunted me for years.
All those mistakes I've made in the past, all those feelings of guilt, loneliness, despair, I want all of them to just disappear altogether.

But I do realise that all those disgrace are the ones that make me who I am now.
One experiences truth by learning from others, or learning from their own mistakes.

Sometimes I also wish that not just my feelings and memories, I want me myself to begone, disappear. At many points in my life, I've experienced this total disconnection with the world around me.
Nobody understands me, nor I am able to understand them.
Nobody wants me, but I need them.
Everybody expect things from me, but I can't expect anything from them in return.

For this, many times I told myself that the God, whichever type of God it is, had forsaken me.

Me, drowning in despair and heart-wrenching solitude of soul, falls into complete distrust of others.
I seek recognition in many ways possible.
I seek solace in the rotten papers of the ancient wisdom, the erratic knowledge of humanity.
Still and in perpetual existence, these bodies of knowledge seek no attention. It doesn't lie, but it doesn't comfort either- for it is like me during those lonely moments. We are but a mere recollection of persona, conflicting each other but we are but a soul, just a soulless soul, if anything.

Then, many a time I fall into sins in my very own consciousness.
This God dictates , for He is supposedly our Master.
Lo! They said that I am nothing but a slave! A servant, merely.Deserve me not gratitude, authority, power.
But there I was!
I committed sin while fully believing that there is God who sees me at those moments.
Yes God I am a traitor!
I know you're there, all powerful and watching,  but I want to rebel against you!
You who only know how to dictate - a deity with never-ending lust for obedience- as I call You- I want to prove that although it is stupid of me disobeying you the mighty Lord, I want You to see that I seek Your attention! I want You to pay for all these misery that you caused out of your own amusement!

But, isn't it just foolish?
I'm not talking about being foolish disobeying a mighty Lord.
It's foolish isn't it, blaming your own existential despair upon others.
We ourselves give meaning into our own existence.
To blame the meaningless void in our life to another being, supreme or mortal, will just create another size of falsely conceived meaningful void that will just cancel each other out.
What is left then are absolute nothing. Not just a meaningless meaning, but nothing in meaning.
A complete evaporation of presence. The most terrifying outcome of an existence.

This is a philosophical question make complicated, isn't it?
Some people will just laugh it off and say , " just read the damn thing , whatcha call it, your (insert any holy scriptures here)".
Laugh all you want.
A lonely person won't feel any more lonely by this act by others.
They are there, and will always be there. In many ways they are there, in their meaningless presence.

Surely humans have gone a long way.
We may finally come to the truth, God-willing .
I, for one, am desperately in need of that.
As funny as it sounds, for theologically speaking I am already in possession of this supposed truth, I need that to prove of my continuity of existence, a meaningful existence.

Nevertheless, during rains and thunder, in the freezing colds of winter, when facing the deep raging sea or as I watch up the sky and see the vast heavens gloriously shine in the pitch black night, I still sometimes utter to myself,

" Eli, eli, lama sabachtani?" ( Psalms: 22)

" God, God, why hast thou forsaken me?"