My perspectives about life change over the years. It comes from discussing with friends, attending talks and seminars, my own reading and some are just some social phenomenon I observed and they unconsciously changed my whole perspectives on things.
However, since Form 1 , there is one idea that still hasn't changed. Very stubborn idea. Brings me one hell of a nightmare. It follows me through different kinds of schools and environment I've been into, yet consistently stays the same.
I hardly believe in God.
God exists or not is hardly my concern. It is just convenient to believe in a God. Unfortunately, it backfires too: I see God in everything, in all things sacred and profane, in all religions, in all that is violent and all that is bad, and all that humanity has fallen.
Maybe it arose from the childhood trauma, maybe it came from the feelings of alienation and despair I've felt throughout the years, or maybe it's just because of who I am.
I mean, obviously I freaked out about it. I was a nice guy back then. I was. Sometimes I even feel like I'm still the nice guy I was. *SOMETIMES*.
Those years are periods of guilt and temptation. I consciously 'punish' myself with fasting almost all time hoping that eventually I get and accept the argument of God. I've never missed a kuliah in surau. I went to see the ustazs in their rooms. I even taught my neighbors reciting Quran . I was the one who taught my late grandmum shahadah during her moments of dying.Yet, hello, God? Not *really* buying it.
Honestly I feel like a two-faced creature.
Nevertheless, I don't want people to become like me. I've never so far encourage people to be rebellious or questioning or anything. I give people what they want to hear, what they need to hear. Most of the time it was never things that I believe in.
Let people live their easy life. Ignorance is bliss.
Faith is powerful. Sometimes some people only have faith left of them.
Why should I remove it from them, knowing that my life in itself is oft a walk on a lonely path in hope for the life I won't ever get?
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