Who Am I?

 ( My friends and I outside of our hostel,  one of the days after SPM examination ended. wow. 4 years ago )

I hope I do not confuse those who know me, or those who just know me a little bit. You see, my writings are very much reflected at the moment I was writing those articles. I can never represent my whole self in just a short span of space. I am more than that, I am more complex than that, as we all are indeed.

What I wrote is just a figment of my life, of my opinion.

So do the people who I am socialising with. They might see me differently. I love jokes. I am a cynic and as far as critical self-reflection is concerned, I really am somehow egocentric and self-centred; I always have this absurd urge to dominate the conversation or even if it is not possible, I tried to change the topic into what I deemed interesting to me or talk two different, unrelated things continuously without a break ( which had created so much trouble in my Maths class back in KMS) . I did try to change these days- by not talking. = ) Nevertheless, I take the pride that sometimes, I do listen and as miracles happen, I did sometimes respond correctly to people's opinions and I had encouraged a deep, mutually respectful conversation with friends, especially those I hold dear to me.

When I am alone, sometimes I spent the whole day being a simple young adult- watching movies and drama series, surfing about local celebrities and international stars, browsing the websites that have been linked to my Facebook friends, or do some religious reflection on myself. I like this side of me.  At other times, however, I might go to the opposite side- I immerse myself in books I think are important to humanity, I wept over the politics of Malaysia as if I were an idealistic, young politician, or I immersed myself in spiritual, non- religious reflections of myself. Some people call it self-destruction mode, I call it balancing the yin and yang of my mind- connecting the conscious and the subconscious. Unfortunately, most of my blog writings are based on these "self-destructive" moments.

So, this blog post is to those who care about me,and although I think there aren't that many, but there are.

I thank you for all the advices, soft thoughts, encouragements. I don't think I deserve all these since I inflicted all these problems myself anyway, but thanks. Thanks a lot.

I always say that I don't put friendship very highly in my list, and indeed, I am, but I admit that it is also a sweet thing. Friendship is a sweet thing- so fragile, so illusory, but the feelings are real, the honesty is real, the respect is real. I just don't think I deserve too much of this sweetness, knowing who I really am inside.

But when the melancholy fit shall fall
    Sudden from heaven like a weeping cloud,
That fosters the droop-headed flowers all,
    And hides the green hill in an April shroud;
Then glut thy sorrow on a morning rose,
    Or on the rainbow of the salt sand-wave,
        Or on the wealth of globed peonies;
Or if thy mistress some rich anger shows,
    Imprison her soft hand, and let her rave,
        And feed deep, deep upon her peerless eyes. 

( John Keats, Ode on Melancholy)