What I Am. A Reply To A Lovely Friend.

I don’t understand.

Yes, as  you said,  I am a guy with some freakish history; who did enrol into some prestigious Perak secondary religious school for three years (just three anyway!). Yes, I read a lot, though “a lot” would be “miniscule” if comparison is made with my girls classmates whom been reading since they know words (I started reading only after SPM). Yes indeed, miraculously, I’ve been reading Islamic-related materials. And yes, I talked about them with friends.

 But.

 When I do not conform to being what I’m supposed to be, person who strictly upholds so-called amr ma’ruf nahi munkar, though my background is such, please do not simply criticise me for that.

 Can’t you just accept me for what I am?

 Can’t you for one second, acknowledge, that although there is always a room for improvements in me, I deserve my own pace, my own freedom to be what I want to be? Ever heard of baby steps?

 God.

 I am not a good person. I always know that. Perhaps, I will never be, because I never aspire to be such so far. And I’m 20 already. I even believe in Instrumentality of Evil. I preach both good and evil . And I simply left it like that.

 I’m a Muslim. Yes I am. But I do believe in humanity and universalism too. I respect some exclusivity of Islam towards its believers and I would never challenge that. But I do believe in humanity that encompasses religions, races and ideologies. It sounds more idealistic than one autocratic-sometimes-discriminatory khilafah controlling the world, but, yes I do believe in it.

 Oh, yes. I did study in a religious school, which to you, “entitled” me to the role of full-fledged preacher without choice since Allah destined me be such. Gee. I have to tell you, I’ve seen better Muslims in my MRSM times and KMS times rather than my religious school friends. They are alim people still, but in comparison as a whole, nope.

 I do read a lot. But, half of what I read are just rubbish, pompous, and unrealistic works. Islamic-wise, they are just apologists who complicate things more. They become more defensive that what is needed, yet being offensive in places unnecessary. Still, they are good, religious people, whom I respect so much since I can’t be them, but I beg to differ in matters of opinion.

 If simply reading Islamic materials make me a “strict daie” automatically, I would be atheist, agnostic, Christian, Jew, Buddhist, romantic, hedonist all in the same time then. Though I like Islamic history, I do like the more complex and interesting Christendom history. Though I have to believe in certain principles in religion since I’m a Muslim, I like the idea of the incomprehensibility of the Creator, and “Creator” itself would be too deterministic. Though I believe in creationism and divine intervention, I wouldn’t condemn the ones who believe in evolution and coincidence. I personally believe in democracy, though I wouldn’t suggest that it is by any way superior to socialism, or any religion-based system. It’s much complicated than that, since by judging those, you tend to be biased or affected by your so-called faith. As much as I would chat about Islamic issues or politics or some boring maths problem, I wouldn’t have problem to change it to discussions of Lady Gaga’s new song, the flirtatious, immoral-though-catchy-and-cool  song “Three” by Britney Spears who’ve been released recently, or Kings of Leon or Panic at The Disco album. I embrace almost all part of myself, of who I am.

Anyway, I do thank you for your advice, though I would prefer it to be more respectful, less anger, less pushy , more democratic, less autocratic ( as if you’re holier than me), and with smiles. You are a good friend of me, and you know, for as far as we’ve known each other, I love you. I love you dude. I love you enough to disagree with you this badly. If other people talked to me like that, I will simply dismiss them as religious zealots or ignore them completely.

So, who am I then? I am Wankhai, thank you, and no more elaborations.