Faith.

Recently I stop publishing posts in this blog.
I am not busy or anything- in fact, I am quite very free indeed, and I had composed many blog posts which however are published in my private blog- for my own reading, for my own reflection.

There are too many words that are not meant for public viewing. Too many questions that if known would create quite scandalous remarks about my faith.Haha.

My my, am I depressed? Perhaps. Stressed out? Perhaps.Suicidal? Not telling.

But I am very certain all these bad moods do not come from people around me.

I'm all beyond that, I am certain .Thank God.

I am no longer a little teenager who seeks comfort in the embrace of illusory friendships. Or a defiant teenager who hates God, and seeks wicked adventures to 'defy' the Lord head on.

I'm pretty tamed now, I guess .

Nevertheless,  my personal quest is far from being done and ended.

Everything is as real as illusions might be. Or everything is all illusions as realities all are.That is what I believe.

In the beginning, it's already hard for me to believe in anything. Anything. Even if I did believe in anything, eventually it will fade out, slowly or rapidly and I cease to believe. I can't stop this obsession. I challenge. I stressed myself out. I embrace uncertainty. Because in the end, all of these are the ones that for now, truly define who I am.

These few months, more than ever in my entire life so far, I have been very much engrossed in my journey of self discovery. This journey is still that same journey years ago, though. The same way. The same situation . The battlefield is still happening in my mind, in my dreams, in my writings. Just much intense. I am still me who occasionally wakes up in the middle of the night-usually from various nightmares I had- and sit on my bed lamenting and shivering. The nightmares are very symbolic, sometimes. The crafty works of the Devils. At other times the dreams were a pure recollection of all the memories I regretted my whole life and suppressed the whole time. In dreams I lost my control over these chains of memories. These memories play all over- and I woke up wanting to cry so much- and I did, a few times. Or sometimes I would write so many things on pieces of paper or books and then tore it all out- then dumping it somewhere- as if I am leaving those feelings in those words and their meanings- and I'm running from them. They are however, always come back . Sometimes I don't sleep for a day or two because I don't want to see those memories,sometimes I want to sleep so long that I feel I don't want to wake up anymore.

It isn't about loneliness, though. That is all teenage stuffs. Or friendship. I never put high priority on friendship anyway. Friends come and go- that's life. All I know that I've tried to fulfil my role as their friends, and trying not to disturb my friends with my never ending issues( ouch). And along the years, I've made friends whom I love for love's sake, and sometimes for God's sake. I learned ukhuwwah- such magnificent word with such majestic meaning. I learned respect. I learned cooperation. I learned to give and take. I learned love.

For years, it is all about emptiness. And I'm not talking about friendship, study and love. Those are all external factors. I feel this emptiness because for so long I've tried to not talk to myself.

An honest conversation with yourself is a hard thing. You may lie with friends and others, but there is an extent to how you can lie to your own self. To strike a conversation with my own self of the past is a painful matter, to explain to myself what and who I am now is very complicated, and to describe what I would be in the future is so confusing.

It isn't so much at changing myself- in the end, it's the idea that I should embrace my self for who I am- yet leaving some empty spaces in between so that the other side also mutually strives to embrace me. Erm, I should say, other sides.

For I am many.

Some of the people my age I have known had gone far ahead in their lives. They are the leaders in their circles of friends, they are participants of many great missions of humanity, and a lot of them are working in such great causes. I am so pathetic to let myself busied with my own personal issue.

I'm optimistic ,though. "God didn't make mistakes- that I believe.". For now.

p/s: I seriously think that I have some kind of bipolar disorder problem. Haha.