Reading.

Picture by Shoradhi

You are what you repeatedly do, says great Master Aristotle.

Hence, I deduce it from there that some of us are what we repeatedly read.

I'm not a really avid reader. I've never really been into reading when I was in primary school- the only things I read back then are pure comic books aka manga, Japanese comics like Dik Cerdas ( Crayon Shin Chan) or Mutiara Naga ( Dragon Ball) . In secondary schools, because of some issues back then- with stabbing friendships, confusions and all , I seek the library for consolation. Most of the libraries from the schools I've been into aren't that big anyway. But there are books- interesting books indeed.

Maybe I was really tired of the drama. I seek comfort in silent words engraved on papers. Books don't bite. Men do.

The first book that I am really infatuated with is Di Bawah Bayangan Pohon Delima by Tariq Ali. A translated book telling of the history of Al-Andalus and how it falls- from the perspective of the writer- which incorporated both fiction and facts. It was lovely. I read the book many, many times. The story is quite monumental even- rather than the story of some glorious never-sin-all-perfect kingdom attacked by all-evil-super-cunning-the Satan-on-Earth Catholics of Spain- the writer tries to give a more realistic and humane view of such tragedy.  The various characters are given such vivid and interesting lives, and portrayed in such a complex manner that it is both an enjoyment and a wept of tragedy. ( Talk about this so-called-heretical book being my first serious reading) .

Then I've tried reading many other things- even getting my hands reading some Arabic books from the library. Not fun at all- most of the books in the Arabic sections are fiqh and tasawwuf books- what is so fun about that? Nevertheless, I just read them.

Then I discover Faisal Tehrani. Then I discover Paulo Coelho. Then I discover Nisah Haron.

So far, these three writers give such  a profound impact to my thinking and view of the world.

Among many things that I learn from Faisal Tehrani is how history has many dimensions. There is no such thing as divine simplicity in history. It is a mystery in itself. You can actually think of something that you think had happened ( which may not be the case) and simply by gathering all your desirable 'facts'- tadaa, a historical theory. I've developed my sense of being critical in all things around me. Maybe I made it worse than what is needed- I realised that sometimes, I am not just unfairly critical , I am really am becoming a full-fledged pessimist.

Then I discover Paulo Coelho. Many confusion evaporates- or turn worse, as some of my friends pointed out. Hehe. He is such an enigma to me. From the books he wrote and all- I now develop a sense of profoundness whenever I see the contradictions around me- this writer has clearly to be able to play such complexities into parts of something greater- and I found that to be interesting. From him, I learn the idea of "spiritual salvation". From him, I learn so much about life that is in itself , fairly boring. ( Maybe I also learn to be a pacifist from his writing- now that I think of it).

Nisah Haron, on the other hand, clearly make me appreciates my prescribed identities . Her works make me proud of being a Muslim, being a Malay, being a speaker of Malay language. The schooling system failed to make me appreciate the beauty of my own culture- yet Nisah Haron successfully did that. From her excellent use of pantuns and syair, I develop a sense of gratefulness of being a Malay. I am proud of being a Malay. Why self-hate your own identity?

I've also read other works- ranging from Sufi to Salafi, from Spiritualist to Atheist- confusion still knocks the door of my head here and then- but I know now that to discover is not necessarily to find the answer, perhaps it is simply, this journey of reading is already an answer in itself.

As years gone by, maybe some said that I should settle down a bit . After all, theoretically, supposedly, I am already under THE answer, tarbiyah. Why bother with everything else when you have here all the wealth of knowledge provided from the 'prescribed reading'?

I simply don't know why. I've known that my confusion had subsided since I settled down a bit, but so far, I'm still that open-minded me after all, and it's very unlikely to change any time soon. The thing about settling down is you don't really question that much because you've have enough- you are fine with settling for half- I still am not.

At least I know now that I need not to have a conflict with God anymore.