21.

Today, I spent hours writing a reflection about myself. The hours where I was supposed to be studying educational psychology, I spent them writing about all these failures, mistakes, disappointment that I had all these years of my life . I wrote a 8000+-words of offensive, blasphemous and suicidal essay from my childhood to this point of time , to which I mentally torture myself to remember all those events in my life I want to keep hiding them forever before. All those pains, happiness; the green grass, the blood, the tears- today, it wasn't just a figment of my memories. I made them all afresh again. All as vivid and as real as possible.

All for a promise I made a while ago. A promise need to be fulfilled when I am finally a 21-year-old lad. I planned to retype all these words I've written into this blog, but looking at the number of words, I don't think so. In fact, I am too mentally drained now.

But simply speaking, I want to say that I am disappointed with my life.

I am still a son who fails to understand my parents, who still somehow despise them for all I've faced in my life. The emotional trauma I had. The feelings of sadness I felt.  I still couldn't get rid of these revengeful feeling of being unwanted , being a burden, source of blame. I still couldn't let myself forgive them, even though I know very well that they didn't intend to do so, it was just my own imposed imagination. In fact,  I even understand the situational circumstances that we were living in. The idea of me being a 'perfect son', the idea of me being an example to my siblings, the idea that in the big family of us lower class people- I am among the few who are having the potential to get out of this pathetic social situation we're living in- like my dad had done.

But what did it brings me to? The more 'intelligent' I become, I become more egoistic, more ruthless. I forgot my roots- the community of simple-minded relatives who settle for half and loving every single moment of it- or pretending to. This education of mine makes me question all the things my parents didn't do when I was growing up. All the exposure I had made me realise that my family and I don't function as what a typical, middle-class do. But, we were originally not from a middle-class family! We were borderline lower class people, and we were simply moving up the social ladder.And it does come with much consequences. Suddenly, we found that we have more money that we ever had before;  I was able to have so much of allowance- and I don't know on how to handle them correctly. My mum who previously worked so many jobs at one time, thinks that she can relax more. Now she had time to care for my little siblings.  My dad who used to be such a simple-minded guy is now so ambitious - almost every year he is awarded with a certificate of work excellence for his astounding work. He is now a really committed police officer. Now the family starts to become more stable, more able to have more time together, and my parents learn better parenting styles. They did change, and they change for the better. They moved on.

But I don't. I hate myself for being ancient. I hate myself for not readily accepting the fact that I live when it was a hard life, where my parents are still very young and yet have so many responsibilities , and they were so many trial and errors in raising me. I couldn't accept the fact that I was their experiment. I was the eldest, and they are two young people in love who underestimate the toughness of life. I was a child living in the transition period. When I see my little siblings, I become jealous. I blamed my own existence in my given time line. Suddenly the family starts to become so typical, so normal, that I don't feel belong to them any more.I am still haunted by my childhood, my teenage years.

And I am still not be able to fully understand my friends. I am no longer open for disappointments. I am afraid of trust. It's not the problem of my life. Most of people I  befriended with already know many significant parts of my life, my family- and sometimes I know theirs.It's not an issue. I just don't want them having any hope, any expectations from me - as much as I struggle to doubt everyone around me. Sometimes I feel very guilty when I show myself caring about my friends, when in fact I always have the idea that friendship is disposable. I am disposable. In few years time, I am easily forgotten and them be forgotten. I fortify myself ; before I was forgotten, I should forget people first. I must win the battle. It is unfair to them, some of them I know are very nice. But I will no longer be the one who always lingers in soon-to-be-lost relationships. I am too afraid of losing again. I start to view things around in terms of profit and interest- and it really takes its toll on how I view this life. I am always find it hard to apologise to people. I am always sceptical. 

But most importantly, I am now facing the core crisis of mine : faith.

I was never comfortable to be static in one thing. I always question. I get angry. I blame some higher power. I explore all the possibility. Sometimes I understand the tragic nature of humanity and sins by actually indulging in them. I am many. This middle of the year I had the most blissful period of my life. I indulge in simplicity. I make myself belonging to a part of something bigger. I don't question much. I starts to adapt myself to really honest and truthful friendship based on something very sacred and holy.

But I'm slowly losing my way. Or rather, I start losing myself again, purposely. I can't accept the new me. I struggled in vain to create an equilibrium. My obsession in becoming an Instrument of Evil worsens............

I am too tired. I feel like ending everything last night. I feel it again after I finished writing the essay just now. What a useless twenty one years old, I think.

But then, I realised , I must be so naive back when I was 15 when I made this promise. I really regret this decision. 21 is too short a time to evaluate myself, and to put a halt to my development, to choose. I thought before that at 21, I must have less anger, less damning thoughts, less depression-I should now able to think clearly and make my decision-  but I overestimated myself.

For years I never feel truly happy with my birthday become of this promise I made. In Taiping, I feel really guilty when the whole class organise my birthday- because my birthday is actually a depressing moment every year in my life . In KMS , if I'm not mistaken, in my first year,  I went to Blok Akademik alone at night of my birthday, off my handset. In my second year I went back home to my house in Selayang. It's just too depressing, after all, my birthday shows that I'm ageing fast and yet still clueless and confused about life.

OK enough.

Till then, and ...Selamat hari lahir, wan.

p/s : I had a wonderful dream yesterday night. A garden of blossoming magnolia trees like the ones I saw in Dunedin.