Semoga.

Kerasnya tindakan dan kebencian anda buat golongan Syiah di Malaysia, janganlah menagih simpati bila tiba giliran anda dilanyak nanti.

Being an Adult

What does it mean?

Does that mean I can only post Islamic-related stuff in my Facebook, abandoning my interest in books, anime and general entertainment?

Does it mean I have to quickly find a sexually grown homo sapiens who have vagina and make babies with her?

Does it mean that I should stop reading teenage-oriented novels?

Bah.

Who cares? There are adults who act like a child, and there are teenagers that are mature beyond their age, only lacking in experience. There are plenty of sociological studies even on the broadening nature of 'youth' these day, especially in modern societies believing in Maslowe's Hierarchy of Needs.

This "being an adult" does not need sacrifice. It's just natural growth on life perspectives and acknowledging roles in society. Which means accepting AND rejecting socially-defined roles.

Individualism, babe.

Good people

I am surrounded by good people. 

I do not deserve it but I am thankful. To them. 

So far though,I pretty much disappoint them with my refusal to be what I am expected to be, but life's like that. C'est la vie. 

Whichever God who sent them to me, then I am thankful to you. Yes, Universe, you too if you want to. I never really understand the appeal of pantheism, but I guess I'll allow it this time.

Reasons

I am a heavy smoker. A really heavy smoker by my friend's standard. A pack a day, no biggie. 

And I've received countless advice from my peers to stop smoking. 

I don't smoke for cool. It's not cool at all. 

I smoke for my daily sanity. 

The thing is...

"The loneliest people can be the kindest. The saddest people sometimes smile the brightest. The most damaged people are filled with wisdom. All because they do not wish the pain they've endured on another soul."

Decisions.

A number of decisions that I'll make in the far future will alienate 99% of my current friends, burn so many bridges and destroy so many good memories. 

Ah, I'll be waiting for its arrival patiently. 

To alienation, fire and destruction.

Wanna sleep for a looong time

I'm sleepy. 

Being social.

I don't have problem being friendly, being a social butterfly. 

It's just I need to have my weekly dose of alone time too. 

If I spent too much time with others without having some time for me being anti-social and bergonggok, then I will feel so exhausted and feel very hard to roleplay myself in a social situation. 

Moving on.

It's easier to move on from something when you refused to attach yourself to it. But it comes with a price : loneliness and emptiness. Lack of meaning.

Well, I am the kind of person who might sell my soul to Satan himself for my desires, should he exists, so I am not that surprised. 

Pop culture

I just love my Lady Gaga. 

iOS7

...nifty, but nothing really wow-ish about it. 

Holiday

Cikgu lagi sedih cuti sekolah habis. 

Sobs sobs sobs. 

( berkemas-kemas pulang ke MRSM Parit) 

Regret

I won't let myself to live with regrets. No, not anymore. 

Things happen. And things happen often. 

We get some, we lose some. 

Friends come and friends go. Lovers come and lovers go. Money comes and money goes. Chance arrived and vanish as fast as lightning. 

Sometimes I screw up, sometimes they screw up. More often I would be the one screwing it up. 

I'm not going to get all hung up about it. 

I don't want to live in the past, and I've thrown away lots of things to turn back anyway. Enough doctors , psychiatrists and counsellor's appointments, enough medication, enough faking up laughter or faking despair. And I've thrown away all the Gods , living and dead and sail my soul through the imperfect river of Man's Spirit. Because I settled for half. 

I'll be in someone's journeys , and they mine. And sometimes I depart theirs with no trace, and so will them. And it's good.

Because life is good. And I've come a long way at realising that life itself is a reason for living. 

And my conclusion won't sit well with many. No matter. I don't live to please people nor Gods and I know the grumbling comes from a place of concern. 

This is me at 24. I hope the 16yo me were proud. Wan Khai, you've come a long way.  

Anxiety

As a student teacher doing my practicum here in MRSM Parit for almost a month now, I'm still at what I call "the phase of anxiety". 

Whenever the kids finish reciting the doa and early verses of Surah Toha at the beginning of the lesson , there will always be a gap of few seconds because I got freaking anxious and my heart was racing. 

" WTF WTF what the hell am I doing here? "
" You. You all, stop looking at me. I don't really know what the hell I am supposed to do with you today "( despite extensive, detailed lesson plans made, notwithstanding)
" Shit shit did I made enough copies for all 30 of them? "
" Wait, where are my pens? Eh? Eh? Oh. In my pocket"
" Did I enter the right class???"
" Eh....that girl/boy doesn't look 14 at all . Jailbait all over" .
" Shit they noticed I am blanking"

Okay, please sit down.

Being a teacher.

        At this moment, I know very little about the reality of teaching in itself . Sure, I think I'm pretty covered with regards to the theories behind learning and teaching, and from practicum during summer school 2010 and practicum in Onehunga High School, Auckland I've learnt somewhat on the learning environment , behaviour management and teaching obstacles, but all in all, I cannot say that I am prepared to teach.

         Many people think of teaching as a noble profession, but at the same time regard it as a mediocre, low status, high-stress but low-paying job. A teacher is someone who cannot do anything more." Those who can, do. Those who can't, teach." , as the saying goes. Even future teachers think of it as this. Tipulah if I said that I don't ever hold that perception before.

         " Why struggle hard with my study if I will only ever be a teacher in the end? "

         I am not going to provide any statements to support or rebuke that kind of opinion. People are free to believe in whatever they want. If they're satisfied with that kind of beliefs, fine. Also, not everyone got the chance to love what they are doing in life. Even millionaires may be depressed eventhough they are surrounded by life pleasures, and even the pious will sometimes question their deities for the things they have to face in life.

           What I've learnt throughout my darkest days was that I cannot please everyone. Even in the battle between good and evil anyway, one cannot please God and the Devil at the same time. For me, I turned selfish as far as I can and I settle for half. Some people strived to please their Gods as much as they can and it's their choice. Some people strived to please their families and friends and it's their choice. Some people strived for themselves alone and it's their choice. I am of the last group.

           My passion is social science. Education is part of social science. In my world of MRSM and college/uni friends whom most of them are STEM students, I stand out a bit from being different ( just a bit though).And of choosing this rarely chosen path. Robert Frost , baby. What can I say? I may regret this choice ( I think I would ) but that's life. There are many things I don't like about my life , about myself, about my own previous life choices , but I came to a point where there would be no regrets in the grand scheme of things. I never think of it as what God has decided for me - it's been a while since I have an ambivalent relationship with that dude anyway and I'm not going to pretend that he mattered. If I don't matter to God, or to anyone else in the world, I matter to at least myself.

Is it solipsitic in here, or is it just me?

2012 and 2013.

         Woah, there were none of those apocalyptic events happening last year in 2012. Shame. Oh well, it's almost August 2000 and THIRTEEN. Damn. In fact, I'm already here in Malaysia. I'm done with my studies in Auckland, New Zealand. Here I am, enjoying the Ramadhan Bazaar and acclimatising with the hot and humid weather yet again.

        2012 was the year I decided that I want to settle on my personal beliefs. From being a person in the middle, I went hardcore left-wing liberal. Drugs decriminalisation and legalisation? Hurm, let's start with soft drugs like marijuana first. Euthanasia? Sure. Abortion? Up to the individuals  involved. Gay marriage? Hey if people really want to be miserable just like how the straights did it, why not? LGBT equality? It's human right. Religion? Should be relegated to the personal space.Secularism? The way to go. God? Might exist, might not exist.

Most of these are actually what I always believed anyway , it's just something that I don't expressly tell outright with regards to the idea of being in the 'middle'. Now since being the middle's went down the drain...

       I survived 2012 and  2013 with relatively good academic results. If only I weren't so lazy during my first year at uni. I had taken up interesting courses like French language, Education and Social Justice, Research Methods in Education and I finally found my interest and what I plan to be my career path. It's an achingly slow and starving career path , but something's about seeing myself with those kinds of experiences, credentials and networking made me felt happy. That I matter.

       Of friendships, I burned some bridges, I built some new ones. Of relationships, I still suck at it and frankly, when I visited Ipoh my hometown and met my makciks and pakciks, bombarded with questions of ' Bila nak kahwin , Along? ' and ' Dah jumpa calon?" , I was in fact very comfortable and quick to say , to my conservative makciks' surprises : " I don't like the idea of marriage and I don't want to settle down. Also, I don't like kids. They're expensive". Of reading, i missed reading books by Malay authors but it is very convenient reading using my iPad. Of religion, huh. Of vices, I started smoking January 2012 due to some stress and issues which I would not explain here. Stopped smoking from December 2012 to February 2013 then started smoking again. Since February 2012 up until last June this year, I had to meet my doctor and counsellor at Uni Health Centre every month anyway. Thank you MARA for paying my student fees - Thank you Vero, my uni student insurance that enabled me to go to these appointments.

        My friends kept telling me that I need to slow down on my 'liberal thinking' because I am going
to work in MRSM, a conservative environment where sentiments about preserving the rights of the Malays and Muslims are dominant. I'll think about it. Hey I survived a Sekolah Menengah Agama, I hope I still remember how to keep my head low.

        Blogspot sounds so 2008, actually. Now it's all Tumblr this Tumblr that - or Vine ? I dunno.Facebook is so 2010. I had made an Instagram account, but my life is so uninteresting , unlike some of my peers out there. Twitter is only used by me to vent in 140? characters or follow the stories about the Hollywood celebrities and world news. I am not pro-Mursi, I reject Islamism and political Islam and I support the protests against Mursi, but at this point, the military has sabotaged the people's revolution.

        Ah, this post is such a random, messy Luahan Rasa Untaian Kata. The Untaian may even be berbelit-belit now.