Of Being Curious

It's not gay-curious, bi-curious, mind you.
I believe sexual orientation was never my problem. I'm not curious at all. Haha.
It's the more dangerous type of curiosity- curious in spirituality.
Gone were the days where I happily and gladly oblige to any particular ideas.

This uncalled and undesirable scepticism and rationalism at first tormented me as early as I begin to really want to know myself. Like a madman, I scrounge the books in my school library- all for satisfying this ridiculous question of why and why of this and that. Countless visits to see my Islamic education teachers in staff room, who were educated in various Islamic institution throughout the continents, therefore seeing things and explaining things in many ways possible- though of the same essence- submission to Allah as the Supreme Guidance. One ustaz I asked , aside from giving the traditional explanation of morality as justified in derivation to the sacred Book, went as far as quoting Aristotle in his explanation- something I found admirable and had nurtured my curiosity to a higher level.

And positively speaking, to an extent, I did reach some understanding- albeit limited because of the lack in my formal study of Islamic religion. At least I can read the long windy hujjahs and ijtihads of the ulama' without feeling bored of the technicalities- I am merely a talabah ( student) anyway- and simply knowing a hadis and Quranic verses that were used by the ulama' was great. My half century old Islamic school library is not that big, but I believe it has a rather suprisingly significant amount of books of religious matter. I'm sure not even in National Library you can find books by Shia or Muktazilah ulama' in line with Nailul Authar or Matan Arbain.

I went from being very sceptical to idea of God to have a tiny, little understanding of why the ulama' outline certain rules and tenet. At least I now satisfies my curiosity.

But yes, I have to admit, this urge to understand or rather, knowing 'things' are also fueled by my constant evil disgust to my certain friends who push people around to do everything they believes are right. Who condemned people for its differing views. Who says Shia is kafir ( it's okay for an ulama' to declare shia is kafir or not , it's their ijtihad and they will face its consequences) but at the same time, in their biodata, admiring Ibnu Sina and Ibnu Zakariyya ar-Razi the two medicine Kings of the Islamic civilization. Such ignorance is pardoned- they don't know Ibnu Sina is an Ismailite Batiniah Shiah who believes that universe is mortal, or Ar-Razi is a liberal ulama' who adores Aristotle and Plato,and went as far as saying that " Quran challenges us to create a verse to compare to Quran, here I give you all the words of poets and great philosophers that can match or even better than Quran.". This evil personality of mine is insulted to be advised by such people- I can be ridiculed by a teacher, a friend, a colleague, but never from an ignorant. I am an ignorant, so I couln't accept the idea of being advised by people at par with me. It's absurd.

Don't get mistaken. I still respect ar-Razi or Ibnu Sina. Intelectuals are intelectuals- no matter what they believe in. The last philosopher of Islamic golden era, Ibnu Rushd dared to go into debate with Imam al-Ghazali nonetheless- although knowing very well how famous al-Ghazali is, how he was adored and admired throughout the Islamic kingdoms.

Some say that I am foolish to satisfy my curiosity. " You can go astray from the religion!".But why would I? I don't believe in one in the first place, but it is from this dangerous, non-standard way that I believe back in the faith. People may dictate us in many ways they believe is the best for us, but in the end, deep inside, we will eventually believe in what we want to believe. We can live in false consiousness, live in accordance to what the people want you to be, whatever you want, but in one particular point, such curiosity will then rise and if you being there unprepared, then you'll really lose your religion.And may God prevent us from that tragedy.

Praise to the enlightened, prayers for the confused and the ignorants.

Thus spoken.