Of Being Ridiculous

I am a sceptic, yet I have high hopes for the future, albeit only miniscule in nature.
I believe in humanity , yet I believe that humanity is doomed for believing in one.
I believe in religion and faith, yet I believe that religions that are strictly institutionalized are plain wrong.
I believe in sins and charity, yet I believe that we all should have free choice on that and no any people are allowed to enforce their lifestyles upon one others.
I believe in marriage, but up until now, I don't see myself in one for the future .
I believe in the power of the community, yet I strongly believe in individualism as well.
I believe in love, yet to me love is too naive and too troublesome in this apocalyptic world.
I want to know God, yet sometimes I believe being agnostic is safe enough.
I help friends, I did try to act like a good friend most of the time but this heart still couldn't accept a true friendship that transcends reasons and motives.

I used to ask many things, questions many things, but deep inside, I know that I've known the answers already. I just couldn't face the reality.

I used to being asked many things, answers many thing, but deep inside, I've known that the answers I gave are merely politically correct answers or some arguments I myself know its errors. I don't like giving answers to questions I myself am seeking, yet I couldn't accept the notion of " I truly don't know".

I've changed from a person with no particular ideology I believe in to a person who hold numerous, contrasting ideologies- and that, my dear, is God's wrath in disguise.

and for all these, I know, for all this time, I am merely, consciously being ridiculous.