Melepas Geram

I think I'm going crazy by the days living in this women-dominated class.

I wonder.Men do talk a lot, obviously, but I never get the idea on why women can't stop talking. Huhu.

I also don't understand myself lately. I'm getting more pissed off chatting some matters with the girls now than before. Maybe I reach the limit of my resistance.Perhaps.

Don't women have the time when they just want to go through the day in silence, in perfect undisturbed emotion, simply go with the flow? I don't know. I just ask.

And these days, I am more confirmed to the fact that " showing gentleman manner to the girls are seriously bullshit" than before. Last few years, I thought that women are to be SO respected and SO cherished. Man should respect them like they are some Angels from Heaven. Well, that what my ustaz taught me. Help them anytime they need help, assist them like you are their bodyguard, that sorta things.

It has started to change when I entered MRSM and totally changed when I'm in KMS. Maybe I've changed because I've got too much dose of the " truth of women nature" compared to the normal dose an ordinary guy actually got. I've being deceived before, and now I see the naked truth.

Can't blame my classmates or any other women, after all. I'm the one who should be put to blame. They are just displaying their true selves- why should it be a fault? On the other hand, I also don't reveal my actual behaviour in front of my women-dominated class. The 'superiority of gender' issue. It's a foolish thing to be a chauvinist pig in a class full of women, to which the class learn Feminism. Duh.

Though I regard the women as a whole as complete morons now, and I hope the impression will change because I don't want to be a gay or bi or die a bachelor , I still have my respect left of me. I have my deep respect for my classmates. In fact, I really respect all my classmates, irrespective of their gender because we are all hardworking and commited to our job. That deserves a respect, isn't it? Why gender should be an issueor barrier? Let's be a professional student.

I'd rather be fair and equal to each other. You make fun of me? Fine. I don't care what gender you are, because I can also make fun to the others, and don't blame me if you are hurt because I simply couldn't care less. I believe in equality. You say that I'm "so so so", I can reply, "so what, you think you're that $%^? Don't you realize that you are *&%$$?". That's it. Just qisas. Pure equality. If you can reveal my bad things, why am I not allowed to repay back to yours, right?

And anyway, we love to make "jokes" to each other, right?

Huh. Puas pun melepas geram. Melepas geram memang lagi best kalau kat dalam tempat terbuka, baru rasa lapang ja. Tulis kat diari tak puas langsung, mcm nak bakar2 je diari tu. Bila dah habis lepas geram ,apa lagi?

Baru sedar, perut rasa lapar gila.

Guilt

I hate myself for what I have done.

A Recollection of Thoughts- A Monologue

In the name of Allah, Most Gracious, Most Merciful.

God,
again,
I invoke Your Divine Name.

God,
You have seen me went through the Narrow Path of Grey.
You have seen me distancing Myself from You.
You have seen me feeding the Succubus.
You have seen me Rage against The Angels.
You have seen me in grave Uncertainty.
You have given me an insight of The Instrument.
You have shown me The Bare Views of Men.
You have shown me The Darkest of The Dark.
You revealed to me The Fangs.
You allow Skepticism nurtured in me.
O God Do I Need More?

God,
For all of my life,
You let me experience.
Even for a split second,
How can I forget Your Overwhelming Presence At That Time?

God,
These Days.
You know what happened these days that I need not say it loud.
O Lord, reveal this, reveal this to me.
I beg to You.

God, You shown me something.
Are those my Destiny?
Is it will?
So why do You still left Me with the One?
Do You want Me to start the Demolition or You want Your Proof, The Time works its way?
God,
or is this just the Nightmare of Satan?
That I should just forget and just lead my own life?

You say,
You prohibit gambling.
But here I am,
Bowing to You,
Gambling with My Destiny.

Lord,
If really,
I am to walk that Path,
God,
O Allah,
Be There When I Need You,
Be There When I Thought I do not Need You.

God,
Forgive my sins.
God.
Forgive my Faults.
I called you repeatedly with my Voice.
But God,
I failed to glue Your Divine Presence to my Heart.
So, forgive me.

God,
Thank You for These.
Thank You for This Life,
Thank You for This Form.

Bless the Prophets,
and Bless the Family
and Bless all Believers.

Amiin.

An Open Letter to God.

In The Name of God, The Creators of All Beings.

To Whom It May Concern,(in this case, it is obviously You, God)

I thank you for my results that I achieved for my May/ June 2008 AS exams.
I don't expect such results after all.
Thank you. Really, O God, I really appreciate such change of my result.

However, God,
I am afraid now.
What are your plans actually?

Is this Your blessings or is it your trial upon me, O Lord?
You had put me through such events that I nearly lost all hope,
You had grown up uncertainty upon my heart,
You expose me to such confusion,
Yet You've given such 'blessings' I'm afraid it is not one in actuality.

God,again, and again,
I thank you God for giving me this.
I wouldn't know whether this is a blessing or not,
For I'm just Your Servant and oblivious to Your Knowledge.

If this is Your blessings, O Lord Thank You and Forgive me because out of my ignorance I disrespect You, You still care for me.
If this is Your Trials, Thank You and Forgive me, as this means that you're paying me attention in this world, a thing much needed than anything else.

God,
You know me more than I know myself.
So God,
Sinful I am,
I am in need of You nonetheless,
And so, Embrace Me O my Lord.
I'm afraid I lost You in my journey, I'm afraid I confused You in my search.

You The Most Merciful,
And You the Most Knowledgeable,
Need I say More?

Amiin.

The World

The blood stopped flowing.
I am not happy at all.

This is not a victory, nor it is a loss
This is just a Game of Time.

Foolish we are if this Strategy.
For our Strategy won't ever match Their Strategies.

So,
More blood actually.
More and More.

Because, then,
We will realize,
That our hands are wet of them,
Our faces are stained by them,
By This wretched, yet innocent blood.

For the Instrument of Goodness sacrifice.
And me,Instrument of Evil seek Salvation.
For The Day of Revelation is COming.

And, so,
I Bow To Thee My Lord.

The Battle

The world is ancient after all.

She has seen many, many things.
She has heard many cries of war,
has sipped from the pools of blood,
And has eaten the rotten flesh of Men.

The Great Mother cries.

For The Lord of the Sky,
did not create wars in the paradise
But allowed it on the Sacred Soil of Her.
For the Men are men after all.
And Mother she is,
She smiles in wept,
Her soul dances in massacre of Her beloved.

Truth be told.
For the Great Mother wants to rebel.
She, though weak She is,
Would sent the Nymphs to fight the Angels
Will sent the Elves to duel with the Cherubims.

For Her beloved.
For Her love.
She struggles.

So let the Hands of Artemis help Her,
And the Valkyries of Vallalla assist Her.

More Blood, Please.

The Mother has spoken.

More blood is needed to be spilt on the sacred place.
More human flesh need to be burn at stake.
More hope need to be destroyed.
More houses need to be turn into ruins.

More and more of it.
More and more of all.
For the Goddess is sick
And blood is the cure.

For the divine Pillars of Faith that holds the Fountain of Divinity are fallen apart by the works of Men.
So, repay we are.
And with us we give.

The Sickle

I've had enough with my 'temporary rest'. Indeed, such ' short' rest won't yield any definitive results after all, however I did found something. I found 'acting'.

For the journey I've walked now is such a tiring now I even think of quitting.
For the obstacles I went trough were excruciatingly painful.
For the doubt I had was the nature of Men.
For the path I crossed before was a narrow path between Good and Evil, between Dark and Light.
For the past lingers in my mind tirelessly, and future loves to play hide and seek.
For love and hatred form a union.
For the Persona and the Flesh blend treacherously.
For the world is a Goddess who holds the Jar of Blessing with her Left hand and giving Flowers of Hell through her Right.
For a Man is actually many.
For the Heart is a deaf King and the Mind is the blind Queen.
And for the knowledge, the Men's Wine of Temptation.
For the Humor never complements Tragedy.
For the answers, always questions in actuality.
For love,
For glory,
For salvation,
For hope,
I bow to Thee.

Let me be your Instrument of Evil.