To Friends,

Jumaat my mum pergi scan kandungan dia,
and doktor kata " anak perempuan".
Huh.
Adik perempuan ek.
Haha.
Adik perempuan yang "besar sedikit " kerana kesan kesihatan mak la.
Dia diabetes melitus.
Tapi apapun,
semoga anda( adik perempuan itulah) lahir dengan selamat hendaknyalah,
bulan 7 ini.....
dan saya menanti, apa pula jantina kandungan mak tiri saya yang bakal melahirkan pada bulan 9 pula.

2009 ialah tahun melahirkan dalam famili, dan kalau selamat kedua-duanya, moga-moganya, saya ialah seorang abang sulung berumur 20 tahun yang punya 2 adik baru dalam tahun 2009!

Dan saya rasa aneh.

Kawan dan KAWAN.

Sepanjang hidup kita,
Kita menemukan pelbagai ragam, dan pelbagai manusia
yang mewarnai dunia ini.
Sesetengahnya kita namakan sebagai ibu bapa,
ada yang kita namakan saudara,
tetapi yang paling ramai ialah
mereka yang kita namakan 'rakan'
atau 'kawan'.

Tetapi apa itu rakan?
Apakah ia cuma sekadar
entiti-entiti yang melintasi hidup kita yang
dengan mereka, kita dan mereka,
bergelak ketawa seketika ,
berpeluk tangis sebentar,
berpeluh gementar dek dugaan,
atau menjerit kesukaan dek kejayaan?

Adakah kawan itu cuma sekadar 5 tahun berkawan di
sekolah menengah ,
sama-sama bersembang malam,
sama -sama berusrah atau bergosip,
(pilih mana yang lebih kerap),
manusia yang usia remaja kita dihabiskan bersama mereka,
di mana mata kita ketika itu masih lagi galak,
meliar melihat lelaki kacak atau perempuan jelita?

Atau kawan itu cuma sekadar 2 tahun di
kolej buat persediaan ke luar negeri,
sama-sama merungut dengan homework yang menimbun,
atau sama-sama melayan cikgu yang terlebih ramah
atau terlebih leceh,
atau peneman menonton wayang gambar di pusat membeli belah,
bergembira sambil sengsara?

Adakah kawan itu,
ialah manusia-manusia yang 5 tahun atau 2 tahun
bersama itu,
yang mana mesej dihantar beberapa kali setiap tahun,
tanda kita atau mereka masih dalam kenangan?

Adakah itu "kawan" yang antum maksudkan?
Apa antum rasa?

Ana rasa bukan.

Ana rasa....ini apa yang ana rasa, ana tak tahu antum lah,
Kawan itu mereka yang kita mahu bersama mereka di syurga.
Orang-orang yang kita mahukan kebaikan baginya
seperti mana kita gila berdoa untuk kebaikan
diri kita sendiri.
Kawan itu ...mereka yang kita melihat itu,
spontan kita orang kulit coklat ini berkata dalam bahasa orang kulit putih,
" yeah, they are the ones".
Mereka yang kiranya diizinkan Allah, kita dapat masuk syurga dengan rahmat-Nya ,
menjadi jiran-jiran kita di taman syurga kelak.
Di mana ketika itu nanti,
kita dan rakan-rakan itu nanti,
sama-sama menziarahi Rasulullah tercinta dan meminum dari Kauthar baginda,
atau sama-sama takjub melihat Wajah Allah yang mulia.

Makanya,
apa kita ini sudah menjadi "the ones" bagi orang lain,
atau sudahkah kita menemukan "rakan" sebegini?
Ana cuma boleh cakap "wallahualam".

Syazwan ,

Isn't he adorable? Huhu.

Wan, I did what I promised, k~

Kerana Aku Tahu, Tuhan Tahu.

Padang pasir tandus.Senja merah.
Habuk berterbangan. Batuk-batuk kecil.
Dan Dhab berjalan perlahan-lahan di sebalik batu.
Makanan tradisi si badwi. Aprosidiak. Kekencangan di kamar tidur.
Malam mula pekat menghitam,
dan haiwan-haiwan siang mengucapkan selamat tinggal kepada dunia.
Haiwan nokturnal muncul memberi salam.
Di balik batu besar,
berteleku seorang lelaki menghadap Tuhannya.
Jubah lusuh warna tanah
Kopiah kecil di kepala.
Serban diselimpang di leher.
Dan malam mula menjadi dingin.
Tetapi kehangatan seorang Pencinta tidak pernah padam buat Cintanya.
Tangan si lelaki gagah menadah ke langit.
"Tuhanku! Tuhanku!"
"Allahumma nawwir qulubi bi nuri hidayatik
kama nawwartal ard bi nur shamsik abadan abada birahmatik"
" Ya Allah Engkau terangilah jiwaku dengan pancaran hidayahmu,
seperti mana kamu terangi matahari yang terang benderang
dengan rahmat-Mu".
Dan seluruh yang ada di daratan dan di laut
Mengaminkan.
Dan si lelaki ini tahu,Allah, Tuhan tahu.



Pagi suci di sebuah biara kecil di tengah pergunungan.
Seorang biarawati tua duduk di bangku kecil.
Kulit kerepot.Tasbih tak lekang di tangan. Bibir menguntum doa tanpa henti .
Remaja dihabis demi berbakti kepada Father.
Usia dikorban untuk menjadi seperti Saint Teresa Avila.
Mary jadi idola buat hati, dan Jesus tak lekang di bibir.
Dan gambar the Immaculate Conception tampak kudus digantung .
Sebuah rumah Tuhan yang dikelilingi manifestasi keagungannya.
100 lilin dibakar di tepi jendela menghadap kebun.
Dan "Lord's Prayer" perlahan-lahan dibaca.
"Our Father in Heaven,
Hallowed be your Name,
Your kingdom come,
Your will be done,
On earth as in Heaven.
Give us today our daily bread.
Forgive us our sins
As we forgive those
Who sin against us.
Lead us not into temptation
But deliver us from evil.
For the kingdom, the power,
And the glory are yours
Now and for ever.
Amen."
Dan biarawati tua ini tahu, Jesus, Tuhan tahu.



Tengah hari yang terik amat.
Seorang budak kecil pantas berlari masuk ke rumah.
Kelaparan.
Sudah seharian bermain di luar.Dan perut menyanyi-nyanyi.
Dan ibu hanya tersenyum melihat keletah.
Tangan nakal menggagau,
dan ibu menjeling.
Si anak faham dan duduk senyap di atas bangku.
" Apa lagi?"- ibu mesra bertanya.
Yay. Kegirangan.
Dan doa makan dibaca.
"Barukh Attah Adonai Eloheinu Melekh ha-Olam"
"Blessed art Thou, O Lord our God, King of the Universe"
Dan ibu juga membaca di hati,
"who hast created the fruit of the vine'.
Dan makanan dimakan dengan penuh kesyukuran.
Dan si ibu tahu, Yahweh, Tuhan tahu.

You need not to believe in God to believe in humanity.
Yet you need to beliieve in humanity to believe in God.

A Recollection. (Part 1)

Kita, biasalah, tak kenal orang memula. Dan sekarang juga mungkin masih tak mengenali.
Tapi , tergelak juga mengenangkan first impression dan last impression sewaktu mereka meninggalkan kita.

Sedang mengumpul sedikit data daripada rakan-rakan. Tajuk agak berat dan provokatif. Buat sekarang, data A Level Boys dah on process dan IB Boys dah siap. Tak sangka my diary and journal would be very useful . Sorry teacher, I'm too lazy to do study today.

Let us begin.

Razini: Kami memang kawan YM dari dulu. Tak rapat sangat dekat MRSM. Now, rakan gosip. Hehe. One think I realize about him now, he can be very serious and committed, and can be a truly versatile doctor.

Asif : First day jumpa dia, this guy macam sombong jer. Satu aras taknak tegur. Down. Mentang2 aku datang lambat seminggu. Now, a very good guy, very nice, even,. May you succeed going to Illinois.

Matwan: I don't really know him on first sem. Just some DOTA freak who knows only to bising je kejenya. Anyhow, his so-called secular stance can't hide his peramah attitude and very stylish fashion sense. And, so so so bloody hilarious.

S.E: A guy who loves to sleep? Sorry, but, as an outsider and visitor to Shazmin's room, you seem to be like that. Now, a bloody artistic doctor to be with dashing fashion style you think life is unfair.

Zikri: Know him since F4. Masa F4, awal tu, I mistakenly thought he's just another sheltered and spoilt kid from some rich neighborhood who happened to be dumped at Muadzam Shah. Now, he's a changing-for-the-better guy which is better than some people, unlike me. Islamically speaking, you changed much, and proud of you then, akhi.

Ammar: A scandalous guy with too sensitive a response to back massage? A funny guy right down to the bone.

Syazwan: A cute guy. I was and am a talkative person , so masa sem 1 and 2, selalu kena tegur/marah? pasal buat bising kat katil pokjak. Anti gak dia kadang2 dulu. Now, he's a guy with such unexpected excellence in manipulation of technology to forge relationships. And much more to describe.

Redza: Bekas taiping. Kawan wanzul. Now, a great guy with great minds and a man we all can't hate.

Faiz/ Blaine: Good guy. Imam material. Too good to be approached by me? That weird first perception, haha. And still a good guy, nah, better, right till the very end.

Azim: Handsome. Handsome. And still handsome. Most of the time, that smile melts people. So, beware. Don't give false hope to the fragile flowers of the garden, you know? Stick to one~and you know what I mean.

Shazmin: Bossy. Funny. And intelectual-to-be. It's very funny for me to discuss literature with him. Afraid that my weird stand will sicken him.

Khirul: Intelectual. Intelectual. And still, I see him as an intelectual person. It's hard to discuss with some topics at par with somebody. Found a good debate rival.

Aiman: Menakutkan. Unapproachable. Now, a great guy with a balanced, ideal background. Girls go run for this smart guy( your white coat for science fair was sensational to some people who've seen the pic)

Qari: You are a funny man. Funny, funny man. Nice.

Khairul: A charming guy, some say cute, but with an ego issue. Now, I think I'm wrong. Minus ego attitude. Well, to think that a guy I kinda off turnoff during first sem is the person I went out outing together for so many times this sem.........

So long. For now. Some people can beg to differ. I'm just an observer, after all.
All I know, they're good people.

Well, I'm just a pessimist, sadistic , and bossy person~wakaka.

To Redza Fahmi,

I'm proud of you.
Proud of what you've done.
Proud of all of your actions and decisions.
And I'm extremely proud of knowing you.
I might hurt you, tease you, anger you,
But all in all, I love you all.
For who you are, and for me who is being thankful for such guidance you all gave me.
Don't change. Or just be better.
Life's so bright ahead.
And all you need is love.

I don't want to specify that very special term any further. No need , right?

To Hilmi Majid,

.....haha, takkanlah I hate you? Mestilah aku sayang ko. Wakaka.
Ko kan bakal roommate aku second year~
Kalau aku tak sayang ko, aku nak sayang sapa lagi?
Hehe.

Masa Yang Pantas Berlalu

It was such a memory.
Well, I haven't been around in blogosphere for quite some time.
Some might think that I went quiet because of the exams that I have.
Countless sleepless night worrying the exams.
Extensive, if not excessive studying.

Truth be told.
Exams- nah.

I spent just an hour or two for studying per day.If it's a lucky day, lah.
I believe in Law of Attraction.
If you study no nonsense, even if it's just an hour a day, you got it.
The rest of the day are all spent on social activities with the boys, A-Levels and IBs , mostly boys IB.
Rather than being lonely and spill all those nauseating feelings all in this humble blog,
I'd rather spent this remaining time together with them boys
for there won't be more time together with them.

Yes, now they're gone.

I am so happy in this college, thanks to the boys.
The boys are so great, so so great.
The IB boys are like the craziest people I've met, with all their quirkiness,jokes and fun life- a truly a biodiversity of life.
The AL boys are magnificent- never I've seen a batch so committed and ambitious, yet at the same time cherish our very idea of friendship.
The IBs whom I learn that happiness indeed exist in its purest form in this world,
not just an assumption of its existence ( yes redza, razzini, khairul and wan, I owe it to you)
Or the AL guys whom I see the sparkle of hope gleamed through the eyes of all these friends.
One ambition.
Fly? Not just that. Fly with FRIENDs. ( juju, acha, afif, nazirul, zuhdi, you guys are bloody cool!)

I might not have this experience in KMS anymore.
No more bachelor nights ( in KMS sense, a bunch of guys gathering around that very small laptop watching movies , strictly PG-13)
or that nonsense talks ( awe, redza, huhuhuhu....)
or that small chat about what we'll be doing in the future( me travelling around NZ, Juju and his Europe trip to-be, haha).

I never realize that I'm not so individualistic as I thought I am. In a sense, obviously. I do know I'm indeed individualistic.
Why, I would never expect that as soon as I came back to my room, after giving that parting hugs to those IB Boys this morning,
I shed small tears.
Tears.Dammit.
It's like .......I know that other people do not really define who you are.
But, though I have two more weeks here,
it's like there a part of me already gone.
And there're more will be gone in two weeks.
That dramatic.
Haha.
So, those people who happen to be reading this, and think that they're in a way bloody connected to this ,
I hate you, with what anger that still lingers in my heart, which is now excessively and suprisingly filled with love.

Dedication to The IB Boys

Terus terang.

Saya tahu budak IB mula exam hari ini.

Tapi, the fact that there will be only three weeks left to be with them

buat saya rasa sedih....sedikit.

Yalah.

Biarpun saya " orang luar", 4 semester juga saya bermain dan berjenaka bersama mereka.

Sama-sama menonton Grey's Anatomy, Heroes dan Gossip Girl.

Sama-sama mengganggu tidur Khairul dan "bergosipan" dengan Razini.

Terbahak dengan keletah Ata, Dzarfan dan rakan-rakannya

dan bising DOTA yang membingitkan dan mengganggu itu.

Siapa boleh lupa sesi "bernasihat-nasihatan" antara saya dengan Redza yang innocent itu.

Dan juga urutan free setiap kali ternampak Azim dan Aiman dan Zikri dan Asif dan Hazwan dan ....upz, saya rasa saya pernah mengurut hampir kesemua budak IB lelaki .

Oh, dan juga "susahnya" mengejutkan Syazwan untuk bangun study pukul 5 pagi seperti yang diamanatkan oleh beliau. Huhu.

Dan juga countless soirees, if you know what I mean.

Dan recently, all the "pilgrimage" to Santap Corner.

Ya, IBs lelaki, anda batch paling bising pernah saya jumpa, dan juga batch future-doctors, teachers, and actuarists paling kelakar dan "mengarut" I've known.

So, give your most damn correct answers in your examinations and leave Malaysia already.

I don't want to see your faces in December, k?

Bak kata Redza, ni lah masa korang nak buktikan yang "korang raya tahun depan kat mana".

Disappointment

I was never this disappointed

in my whole existence so far.

It is more hurtful than

when my friend once backstabbed me

before,

nor when I was sadly ignored by

a supposedly claimed by that person himself

-my best friend-

to which resulted with me stop believing in

true friendship anymore.

And this feeling is more devastating in effect than other insignificantly frequent

sad, tragic stories of my life.

It's so "To whom I should complain?" tragic kind of thing,

yet I can't help myself but say "Fie, fie" many, many times- which can loosely mean " bugger" in modern-yet-mild sense.

Oh.

This pretentious naivete sucks.

Kerja-Kerja BodohDalam PAS.

Membaca blog Ustaz Nik Abduh Nik Aziz membuka minda saya.Biarlah apa sahaja yang diutarakan, beliau takbur kah, muda dan mentah kah, tapi saya husnuzan, kesilapan-kesilapan gaya bahasa dan nada dalam blog beliau tidak sedikit pun mengelabui niat beliau menulis post kontroversi itu.

Dan menyentuh mengenai blogosphere pula, saya nampak yang seperti Ustaz Nik Abduh mengatakan bahawa wujudnya anasir 'kerja-kerja bodoh dalam PAS', dalam dunia blog ini, 'kerja-kerja bodoh' yang kita mungkin lakukan ialah percaya bulat-bulat apa yang kita baca dan hanya merasakan interpretasi kita saja yang betul. Sedangkan tone dan cara membaca boleh saja berbeza.

Good-bye, Good-Bye, Good-Bye

I'm tired chasing you.

I really am.

You can stop running now.

Call me a quitter, call me weak,

I'm sorry.

There's no more strength in me to keep on being like this.

As much that I want you, that I love you,

yes, i do not just like you, I really love you,

I believe this is for the best.

I can't deceive myself anymore, can I?

I really am exhausted.

Sense of guilt, betrayal, lie, deception,

secretive, evil minds,

I am so not able to add more burdens anymore.

You offer me an alternative,which I hope is the Light,

The only Light that I can see for now.

Though it's very bleak and unpromising,

I want to believe in it.

But, I wonder now.

It's all confusing.

Sometimes it is indeed a Light that shines my day, that radiates in perfection,

bestowing upon me Hope with it.

But most of the time,

It just brings me closer to my Dark side.

The supposedly warm feeling touching the Light is rigorously burning my hands,

Like a scorching inferno feeding and destroying every tiny bit that is left

from my soul-this tiny soul.

So Good-bye,

and Good Night.

So long.

Though this sleepless soul yearns for a visit by Morpheus.

Hermes, I beg of your favor.

( a useful note: whoever thinks that this a confession by a hopeless romantic to a girl, you are so wrong)

H1N1

This Type 1 influenza, H1n1 scares me a bit as well, not just the exams.
New Zealand is affected with one recognized case, there are suspected cases in Australia, UK also and there are more than worrying number of patients in United States.
However, Mexico faces the worst nightmare-with 118 deaths and counting- may God bless them.
Even WHO has raised the alarm to level 5- one level below the pandemic level, which makes this disease a serious problem .
I don't know how MARA would respond to this if the problem persists.
I don't know how we will respond if there's really a pandemic falling upon us soon.
With global economy problem, polluted earth, the rise of hedonism and liberalism, and this H1n1 issue, I am seriously wondering;
"God, is it the time now? Is the world really falling apart this time?"
Human are like parasites, even when millions have died, our civilization still thrives on, we did start over from scratch. Yet, I wonder if we will be lucky this time around, again.

(Trivia: Spanish Flu [an early subtype of H1N1] in 1918 killed 20-100 MILLION people, the H5N1 Avian Influenza killed 248 as of January 2009 [WHO] )

Saya Jadi Sayu, Sedikit.

Tengok kereta-kereta disusun di padang lapangdan gelagat riang rakan-rakan sewaktu bersalaman, berpelukan, dan berciuman tangan dan pipi dengan ayah, ibu, abang, kakak, dan adik , buat saya rasa sayu, sedikit.

Cuma mampu memerhatikan daripada jauh. Saya lah.

Tapi wankhai, kamu kena ingat, sayu-sayu pun, kamu baru jer balik rumah minggu lepas, bagaimana dengan rakan-rakan "anak yatim majlis restu" kamu yang lain pada hari ini, yang sudah berbulan tidak ke rumah.

Saya yakin mereka pun akan rasa sedikit sayu.

Sedikit kot. Tapi tak tahulah.

Saya Takut Gak Exam Ni.

Entahlah.
Entahlah.
Huh, entahlah.

Kadang-kadang terdetik gak,
"Macam mana kalau aku jadi blank masa exam nanti?"
And that creeps me a lot, a lot.