The Myth of Friendship?

I don't believe in true friendship, in a theoretical sense.

I know somehow, friendship is mostly based on mutual gains. It's all for win-win situation, and strictly for that. We don't befriend people who do not benefit us in any kind of way. Any small, minuscule benefit that may come for such friendship is enough for us to make friends with them.

It's either like these.

You have friends because you know you need them. They are just classmates, so you need to befriend them because if you don't, you will have trouble in the class, and you don't want to lose, academically speaking . You have to befriend your batch mates because there is an urge to do that. You batch want to be seen united . You befriend other people from other batch because you see little point in just being friends to just a few of people. More people you make friends, there's more possibility that such "investment" can give "profit". You don't want to be lonely, so you make friends. Your friends also perhaps thinking the same as well.

It's sadly like that, to me.

There's no more "true friendship" for me. And definitely no more "friendship remains forever" thing. It's just a bluff. My friends are my friends. That's it. I once believed in that, but it changed after some kind of tragic incident.

I love my friends, my classmates, my batch mates, my room mates as what I'm supposed to love a friend, batch mates, room mates. No more, no less. No emotional connection attached. If they hurt me, I will just ignore them. If they ignore me, I will respond nothing.

They' re just friends.

But there's exception to some unfortunate few. It happens naturally. I can't stop the fate of God. These people are a bunch of people I've known that have crushed mycreated wall between my emotional world and social world.

They are "my friends". I love some of them, and hate some of the others. I never did that in theory. I never label my friends "lovely " or "hateful" friends. They're simply friends. Friends.

But , as God wills it, to my resistance, still few of them got into my "love book", and " hate book".
The problem with that is that they can therefore control me.

Words spoken by them can terribly affect my mood. Any harsh word uttered by them can cause me to crawl to state of dejection. Such indifferent treatment by them who before seems so kind can break my heart. Some of them, ironically, love to "insult" me. But such absence of insults, when they stop talking to me eventually, make me miss them nonetheless. Once, a friend chat in YM and seem gloomy probably because of some problem. To my surprise myself, I asked him to wait and that night, I drove from KL to Ipoh to meet him,to know his problem. Haha. Stupid, stupid how people can affect you.

I hate being controlled like that.

More so, friends aren't like books, who can be opened, read, thrown away, given to other people at will.

Every once in a while, I did some cleanup. I try my best to erase such friends from my "books". I can't afford to be disturbed emotionally. Let these books empty. I really can't afford such disappointment. I've seen enough and feel enough.

I simply settle for half, and I think I like it better.