Normal.

I could study and perform my best in my ALevels, get to go to NZ, grab that TESL degree with honours, return to the country, then serve five years of service in MRSM. Then, as I turn financially stable, I would think of continuing the men's cycle of reproduction by marrying a decent woman, and as we take care of our children, if we had any, I will struggle to get my Masters and PHD done so that I can apply to be a lecturer in universities. After all these are done, I would occasionally pays particular attention to my child's welfare or academic achievements while I engross myself in some research and paperworks in PHD, building my academic portfolio. Then I retired from this post and enjoy my golden years.....

Nay.

I dunno. Deep in my heart, this is not what I really want. It sounds too artificial I am lying to myself.

I have this thing about living alone and be a till-death-do-us-part-o-bachelor-pad person. I dream to travel the whole world, tracking down human's longing for divine presence and holy intervention. I want to immerse myself in finding the bits of my life, while unaware that in this journey, I left my bits of life here and then, proof that I was there, sensing human's hope and despair .

I want to embrace the Holy Mother with my arms and my love attached , yet without leaving the narrow and strict path of the Lord. I want to venture into the realms of self-realisation without losing my sense of reality. I want to walk the path that few crosses and most of them failed for I believed in my destiny. I want to be an excellent Instrument of Evil , though I also wish to be allowed to hold the Torch later on.

I want to See, to Feel and to Listen.

And for this, I could not afford to live a life.

But then, who am I to break from this suffocating paradigm? For I've had enough mindwashing I simply hold the gentle hands of Mephistopheles without feeling guilty. O Lord bless this child. For though nobody but me who is aware of me, you are the All-knowing.

Amiin....